It's been awhile.....

I know I haven't been on in quite some time. So much has changed since my last blog I don't even know where I should begin. I'll just start by saying everyone is fine and healthy. So thats a good thing right?

Last time I posted I believe was the beginning of this year way before my life turned upside down. I started this year with two jobs. One working crazy hours leaving me with literally no sleep for 3 days straight. The other didn't make much but anything extra was worth it. By May I couldn't handle the lack of sleep anymore. Izzy wasn't sleeping well and it was just plain hard! So I quit the one job leaving me with a barely supportive job but it was something. Of course my luck is not amazing as 2 weeks after my last day at the job i quit the restaurant I worked at closed its doors with no notice! Really? my luck sucks. I tried hard to find a job even put Izzy in daycare to open up my availability....nothing! So I took this opportunity to go back to school. Which is what I have wanted to do for some time now. School is great! I'm holding down straight A's and haven't missed a day yet! :-) Enough with the small talk.....

I know I mentioned seeking child support from Izzy's father before well he turned around and through custody papers at me. That hurt. After disappearing from our lives he wants custody?? that was awhile ago and after two mediations he gets supervised visits with me present. Three times a week! I am still learning to cope with this. We have good days and bad. She knows who he is now. So help me if he hurts her though. Even on the days that we get along great, how do I forget the pain he has already put me through? He missed the first 18 months of her life! It just hurts. Anyways, he has been around since July now so 4 months. I am trying to learn how to be friends with him for her sake. Be the bigger person.

What else can I say....it's November and I am still jobless....I did just start babysitting so that will be a little bit of money coming in but nothing amazing! But it is starting to be VERY stressful! And depressing....to the point I dont do much beside just sit around if Izzy is at school. cant get myself to have much of an appetite either. I need to get out of this house. Hopefully I can talk my mom into letting me out even if its just for a little bit. I need a break. When did life get so difficult? Don't get me wrong I love where I am because if Izzy wasn't in my life I would still be VERY lost! She is one amazing little girl. I can't believe she will be 2 soon!!

I know I rambled alot but whatever. Hopefully I will be able to write more sometime soon! for now I have to go clean the house for my mother!

My Princess! Taken at school this month! :-)

And it continues......

Oh boy. Just when I was comfortable with the idea of having no connection to Izzy's paternal side of the family I get another slap in the face. Let me just say I never told any of them to leave. They all have left on their own free will. It has been a full year since I have heard from his mother. Until this past Saturday that is.... Just seems very odd that a week before we go to court she decides she wants back into our lives? I dont get it. Why should she be able to choose when she can come in and out of our lives. Well, the conversation didn't go so well. I tried to keep it calm and collected but its hard with this lady. Real hard. Not just because shes his mother but the way she treated us last year is hard to forget. This convo was literally almost the same one we had last year! Seriously? I am over the drama. I moved on. She called me selfish. Really? Was any decision I made in the past 2 years in anyway selfish? I guess it was selfish of me not to abort my baby? or was it selfish of me to move back in with my parents so we would have a roof over our heads even though thats the last place I would like to live? Was it selfish of me to take on a second job working overnights giving me NO sleep so I could afford to feed my child? I dont know what selfish choices I have made to make her say I was in anyway shape or form selfish! Ugh! that part really fired me up. She says this has nothing to do with her son. She claims he has done nothing wrong. It was all my fault and it was my choice to have this baby. Soooo shes saying I should have aborted my daughter HER grandchild. sigh..... its a lose lose situation with her just like it was with Izzy's "dad". I dont know what else I can do. I emailed her a few days ago saying a few things along the lines of that I would give her a second chance as long as she respects what i chose to do with my daughter and what not. Haven't heard a peep back yet tho. I am SO nervous about Friday! errr I dont know what to expect. I dont know if he will even show up but I can only assume he will. I dont think hes that dumb...I could be giving him too much credit though. We'll see.
         Thats about all thats going on so far. You know besides the lack of sleep and now I am sick, oh joy!  Work again tonight!

Freedom...for now.

I have some freedom for the time being. Izzy is napping in her crib. I honestly can't remember the last time she took a nap in her own crib without me. Ahhh I could get used to this. Crazy how she is 14.5 months old and I swear she hasnt slept in her crib for naps since she was a newbie.... I loved our snuggle time, mainly now because thats when i sleep due to work. I decided today to try it out again, she used to wake right up so thats why i haven't attempted in awhile, I pushed her nap back a bit since she woke up late. Don't let that fool you she didn't sleep good at all last night. Go figure. My night home and she decided she couldn't sleep alone. She takes awhile to adjust to this job I have.  I really wish I could afford to quit it. Seriously. I hate it. sigh....

Well, theres really nothing completely new to us lately. Which is fine I suppose. I don't know. I feel very exhausted lately. I may be finally reaching my breaking point with the lack of sleep. I could deal fine with her fighting her crib and what not if I had the chance to sleep most nights. You know instead of work. Babies aren't cheap! I need to win the lottery. I don't know how else I will get back completely on my own feet......one day....

April 1st is our court date. I am very nervous about it. For many reasons than just the fact of will I get anything out of him for her. I don't know how I will feel seeing him again. I haven't been face to face with him since eeerrr she was 5 months and that was an accidental run in....that did NOT go well. I can be civil I can be mature about this situation but there is still a big part of me that just wants to let him have it. I know I know it won't do anything. He won't understand. So I will go and keep my mouth shut like a good girl that I am. Thankfully my friend will watch peanut for me. I can't bring her anywho....

Next thing on my mind....school....I have been thinking about this alot lately. I really want to go back. I want to do something OTHER than retail/serving. That will have to wait till I can put her in school. Hopefully that will work out!

I wish I had more time to keep updating this. But this is all for now.

I felt like posting a picture from newbie days! This is Izzy going home from the Hospital...1 day old! ohhh so tiny! :)

Just a Ramble....

        What a month it has been. Lot of ups and downs, more downs then anything. I am still dealing with the death of my friend. Just attended his Celebration of Life on Sunday. Losing him finally sunk in then. He has been gone a month but it just sunk in this week and it hurts bad. His service was so nice! It made me re-think the traditional funeral service. I believe i would like that as well for myself. It really just bothers me that bad things happen to such amazing people!

        Change of subject before the tears come again. We have our court date set for child support. Finally so i can get this over with. There are many times i wish I never filed! I should have just struggled through like I have been doing. But thats not fair to her. She deserves more. So Im sucking it up and moving forward with this. I hope I am making the right choice. ::sigh::

         Well Izzy is amazing! She is just such a character lately. always making me laugh! She teething badly at the moment and sleep is well NOT there. Im exhausted! with not sleeping due to work and now thanks to teeth coming in im just at my limits lately. I wish i could take a vacation but I cant afford to :(

         Motherhood is such a challenge. A good one but nonetheless a challenge! I feel like i have aged like 20years by just having her. lol. She is just the best though. She makes life worth living! When i am at my lowest points(which lately has been ALOT) she just has a way to make me smile and remember how blessed I am to have her!

playtime at the park! :)

Just Another Day....

So I am sitting at my computer looking back on all of the pictures of my darling Izzy when she was born up until today. Ahh I can't believe how much she has changed and how far she has come! She amazes me everyday. Her new word is "fish" (we have 2 tanks full of fish!). She loves to come tickle you when you don't expect it. Shes climbing on EVERYTHING! She has the highest pitch scream I have ever heard. There is not one thing about her that I do not love more than anything in this world. 

I wish there was more that I could do for her. Like get us our own house. Give her the world. Keep her from any pain this world could ever throw at her. I am certain one day we will be on our own. I know it will be hard to keep her from pain. She already has to go through the pain of losing a father. Even if she never had him around, even if he wasn't the best choice of fathers. He was her father. She will be okay. I have to believe I am doing my best. She is my whole heart. What I don't understand is how some one could walk away from her. What did she do? I keep telling myself she had nothing to do with his immaturity in the matter. And I know she didn't. She deserves someone who will love her. One day...

Nothing else is really new with us... Same stuff everyday. I am so thankfull for this sweet little girl I have been blessed with. She has made life worth living.

My sweetie and me on Christmas Day 2010 :)

The Results Are In...

We finally got our results to the paternity test we had to have done..... And like I have told everyone... he is the father. Not a suprise to me but its a big relief that I can now move forward with everything including getting the child support. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders! Well thats the good news in my life...

The bad news... I lost a friend Thursday night. He was struck by a car and killed instantly. :( Lesson...Life is way too short! So Im going to try and talk to those I have lost touch with more often. I lost touch with him when I had Izzy. I have only seen him a few times in the past year :( I am still in shock!

On a lighter note....I love my daughter. She has been walking up a storm lately! In fact she got her first bump/bruise today :( She tripped on her basket of toys and landed face forward onto it. So sad! Tonight starts my shift at Walgreens. I am NOT thrilled about this! : /  Thats all I can think of tonight... I am trying to entertain her as I write this...haha

Izzy at her 1st Birthday Party! :) YUMMM

A year in review!

      Where do I start? I have never blogged before but thought this might be a great way to let out some of my feelings. We will see.

       Its been a crazy year! Well lets say almost 2 years now. I found out I was pregnant April 28th, 2009. Lets say it was NOT expected. I was very disappointed in myself. What was I going to do with a baby? I was only 23. I know thats not super young but I still had so much more to accomplish before having kids, like getting married for one. I guess the best laid plans fall through right? What was I to do? The father was not someone I saw myself with. He did not like the idea of me keeping this baby. I do not agree with abortion, it is just not for me. As I heard him beg for an abortion over and over it made me push away from him even more. I tried and tried to have him see my point of view but it is hard to make someone understand your feelings especially when they don't care. So I proceeded on with the pregnancy.... I told him I wanted him there for the baby she deserves to know where she came from. I was pleased he said he would never leave his child, why do I fall for such silly lies? So we went on with introducing him to my family and me to his. Awesome maybe a friendship can be saved from this, at least that was what I was thinking.....

        Doctors appointments came and went, where was he? Made excuses for most saying he had better things to do. The start of my heartbreak was beginning at this point. Finally, he comes to our 18week ultrasound, mainly to make sure he is having a boy (he was wrong). I was only 17weeks and we found out we were having a girl (yay!)! He was NOT happy. Though he claimed all he cares is that baby is healthy(what a lie I could see his disappointment in his face and actions) That was the last doctor's appointment he showed up to. He then sent me some very nasty text messages saying some pretty evil things! His words hurt so bad. How could someone be so cruel? He didn't believe she was his etc etc etc.... I pleaded(sp?) with him. I was half way through this pregnancy, I was an emotional wreck! I told him then if he wanted a paternity test he would have to wait until she was born.

         Well, time goes on and we didn't talk much after our fight. He attempted to apologize but his way of apologizing was blaming me, not cool. So I went on and he still didn't make an effort to be friends or be there for our baby. I was starting to see his true colors and come to terms with raising he on my own.

          At 30 weeks pregnant I was hospitalized with low amniotic fluid. She also had many dips in her heartbeat. Scared me half to death! I was given steroid shots to mature her lungs fast in case they had to take her then. He showed up once a day or so after finding out I was in the hospital and stayed for literally 10minutes. That hurt in itself he didn't care enough when she was in trouble. What can you do though? I am a strong girl. I had my parents by my side through it all.

          After my scare it calmed down. with tests twice a week I made it to 39weeks. Then the high blood pressure hit. I was induced and Miss Isabella Susan A. was born December 29th, 2009 at 8:19am! Best day of my life. Needless to say her father was not present for her birth. That was my choice though. He did come later that day and stayed a whole 2 hours. I was impressed he stayed that long. He seemed to take to her fast. I was thinking well maybe now he will step up, wrong again! I wasn't going to let him ruin the most important time of my life though.

           Days went on we went home on the 30th. Her father went mia for a week. When he showed up it was even less than a 10minute visit. I wasn't about to let him be an in/out father. He had to choose but then again I don't want my baby thinking it was anyones fault but his so I gave him another shot. Another week went by. He came with to her two week appointment on Jan 12th 2010. That was the last time he saw her or talked to me. He just left after that.

            So here I am 1 entire year later! I survived(yay!). I did in fact file for child support back in August of 2010. Just did our paternity test this week. This year has been one of the hardest yet most rewarding years of my life! I could never imagine loving some one so much that I have only known a short year! She has made me the happiest mommy!

            Looking back on my life before baby I wonder how I lived. How did I survive without her? How could someone want me to have terminated her? or even give her up for adoption? It still hurts thinking back on his words he had said to me. No one really knows my pain as I am the type that keeps it bottled in. That is why I am trying this out. If someone reads this GREAT if not its just my way of expressing my feelings so maybe I can improve my attitude. Maybe somoeone can empathize with me on being a single mom? We shall see.

            I have lost most of my friends, though if you ask the ones that have left they probably won't admit to leaving. It is ok. I have learned that with a change in life like a baby everything is bound to be turned upside down. I do get lonely. Which may be the reason I have recently clinged to my own mother for friendship. I am not complaining about that I am rather happy I get along with my mom now, but she has her own life too. I do hear her from time to time asking me where my friends are. That hurts to. Where do they go? I mean once you have a baby does that mean you have to change friends? I am very happy that a few have stuck around. Well maybe those are the only ones that are true friends right?

           Miss Izzy is my whole world! She has changed my life for the better! I am finally moving forward and doing what I need to do. I have amazing parents who have supported me from the beginning! I love them and appreciate everything they do for me. I have taken on two jobs. One at a local restaurant 2 nights a week and then at Walgreens doing the overnight shifts 3 nights a week. This is slowly killing me but something I have to do to support my little family. I would love to win the lottery, thats dreaming though. I will try to get on here to update how we are and to let out some more from time to time, but it is not always easy finding time to myself. I am 100% devoted to this amazing little girl. I just love being a mommy!