Where do I start? I have never blogged before but thought this might be a great way to let out some of my feelings. We will see.
Its been a crazy year! Well lets say almost 2 years now. I found out I was pregnant April 28th, 2009. Lets say it was NOT expected. I was very disappointed in myself. What was I going to do with a baby? I was only 23. I know thats not super young but I still had so much more to accomplish before having kids, like getting married for one. I guess the best laid plans fall through right? What was I to do? The father was not someone I saw myself with. He did not like the idea of me keeping this baby. I do not agree with abortion, it is just not for me. As I heard him beg for an abortion over and over it made me push away from him even more. I tried and tried to have him see my point of view but it is hard to make someone understand your feelings especially when they don't care. So I proceeded on with the pregnancy.... I told him I wanted him there for the baby she deserves to know where she came from. I was pleased he said he would never leave his child, why do I fall for such silly lies? So we went on with introducing him to my family and me to his. Awesome maybe a friendship can be saved from this, at least that was what I was thinking.....
Doctors appointments came and went, where was he? Made excuses for most saying he had better things to do. The start of my heartbreak was beginning at this point. Finally, he comes to our 18week ultrasound, mainly to make sure he is having a boy (he was wrong). I was only 17weeks and we found out we were having a girl (yay!)! He was NOT happy. Though he claimed all he cares is that baby is healthy(what a lie I could see his disappointment in his face and actions) That was the last doctor's appointment he showed up to. He then sent me some very nasty text messages saying some pretty evil things! His words hurt so bad. How could someone be so cruel? He didn't believe she was his etc etc etc.... I pleaded(sp?) with him. I was half way through this pregnancy, I was an emotional wreck! I told him then if he wanted a paternity test he would have to wait until she was born.
Well, time goes on and we didn't talk much after our fight. He attempted to apologize but his way of apologizing was blaming me, not cool. So I went on and he still didn't make an effort to be friends or be there for our baby. I was starting to see his true colors and come to terms with raising he on my own.
At 30 weeks pregnant I was hospitalized with low amniotic fluid. She also had many dips in her heartbeat. Scared me half to death! I was given steroid shots to mature her lungs fast in case they had to take her then. He showed up once a day or so after finding out I was in the hospital and stayed for literally 10minutes. That hurt in itself he didn't care enough when she was in trouble. What can you do though? I am a strong girl. I had my parents by my side through it all.
After my scare it calmed down. with tests twice a week I made it to 39weeks. Then the high blood pressure hit. I was induced and Miss Isabella Susan A. was born December 29th, 2009 at 8:19am! Best day of my life. Needless to say her father was not present for her birth. That was my choice though. He did come later that day and stayed a whole 2 hours. I was impressed he stayed that long. He seemed to take to her fast. I was thinking well maybe now he will step up, wrong again! I wasn't going to let him ruin the most important time of my life though.
Days went on we went home on the 30th. Her father went mia for a week. When he showed up it was even less than a 10minute visit. I wasn't about to let him be an in/out father. He had to choose but then again I don't want my baby thinking it was anyones fault but his so I gave him another shot. Another week went by. He came with to her two week appointment on Jan 12th 2010. That was the last time he saw her or talked to me. He just left after that.
So here I am 1 entire year later! I survived(yay!). I did in fact file for child support back in August of 2010. Just did our paternity test this week. This year has been one of the hardest yet most rewarding years of my life! I could never imagine loving some one so much that I have only known a short year! She has made me the happiest mommy!
Looking back on my life before baby I wonder how I lived. How did I survive without her? How could someone want me to have terminated her? or even give her up for adoption? It still hurts thinking back on his words he had said to me. No one really knows my pain as I am the type that keeps it bottled in. That is why I am trying this out. If someone reads this GREAT if not its just my way of expressing my feelings so maybe I can improve my attitude. Maybe somoeone can empathize with me on being a single mom? We shall see.
I have lost most of my friends, though if you ask the ones that have left they probably won't admit to leaving. It is ok. I have learned that with a change in life like a baby everything is bound to be turned upside down. I do get lonely. Which may be the reason I have recently clinged to my own mother for friendship. I am not complaining about that I am rather happy I get along with my mom now, but she has her own life too. I do hear her from time to time asking me where my friends are. That hurts to. Where do they go? I mean once you have a baby does that mean you have to change friends? I am very happy that a few have stuck around. Well maybe those are the only ones that are true friends right?
Miss Izzy is my whole world! She has changed my life for the better! I am finally moving forward and doing what I need to do. I have amazing parents who have supported me from the beginning! I love them and appreciate everything they do for me. I have taken on two jobs. One at a local restaurant 2 nights a week and then at Walgreens doing the overnight shifts 3 nights a week. This is slowly killing me but something I have to do to support my little family. I would love to win the lottery, thats dreaming though. I will try to get on here to update how we are and to let out some more from time to time, but it is not always easy finding time to myself. I am 100% devoted to this amazing little girl. I just love being a mommy!