Update...

I guess I fail at keeping this blog up to date... My bad. Life has yet to show no surprises! Let me sum up everything that has happened in the last 4-5 months...

Izzy turned two!! My big girl is talking a whole lot more now its way to cute to hear words and sentences! :) She is loving school and has started the potty training process!

We took a trip to see her paternal side of the family in December she had a blast! She did amazing on the airplane too! I was soo proud of her.

As for visits with her father....at the moment we are right back to where we started...he isn't around. It has been exactly a month since we stopped visitations and I have yet to even hear a word from him even to just ask how she is doing. Its sad, not surprising, but sad.... At this point I am done I do not want to see her hurt because he can't step up to be the dad she deserves. I can't make him be a father and I understand that. I can raise her just fine. She is one AMAZING little girl!

We just went to Disney this past Sunday for her first time going and we had the BEST time ever! To see her light up with joy and happiness makes everything worth while. She is who I live for and I couldn't ask for anything more! I am truly blessed to have this little girl in my life.

I am almost done with my gen eds before going on to my core program in school! so glad I am a step closer! :)

That is all that has been going on really with us. Small update :)

Infront of the castle! :))))

It's been awhile.....

I know I haven't been on in quite some time. So much has changed since my last blog I don't even know where I should begin. I'll just start by saying everyone is fine and healthy. So thats a good thing right?

Last time I posted I believe was the beginning of this year way before my life turned upside down. I started this year with two jobs. One working crazy hours leaving me with literally no sleep for 3 days straight. The other didn't make much but anything extra was worth it. By May I couldn't handle the lack of sleep anymore. Izzy wasn't sleeping well and it was just plain hard! So I quit the one job leaving me with a barely supportive job but it was something. Of course my luck is not amazing as 2 weeks after my last day at the job i quit the restaurant I worked at closed its doors with no notice! Really? my luck sucks. I tried hard to find a job even put Izzy in daycare to open up my availability....nothing! So I took this opportunity to go back to school. Which is what I have wanted to do for some time now. School is great! I'm holding down straight A's and haven't missed a day yet! :-) Enough with the small talk.....

I know I mentioned seeking child support from Izzy's father before well he turned around and through custody papers at me. That hurt. After disappearing from our lives he wants custody?? that was awhile ago and after two mediations he gets supervised visits with me present. Three times a week! I am still learning to cope with this. We have good days and bad. She knows who he is now. So help me if he hurts her though. Even on the days that we get along great, how do I forget the pain he has already put me through? He missed the first 18 months of her life! It just hurts. Anyways, he has been around since July now so 4 months. I am trying to learn how to be friends with him for her sake. Be the bigger person.

What else can I say....it's November and I am still jobless....I did just start babysitting so that will be a little bit of money coming in but nothing amazing! But it is starting to be VERY stressful! And depressing....to the point I dont do much beside just sit around if Izzy is at school. cant get myself to have much of an appetite either. I need to get out of this house. Hopefully I can talk my mom into letting me out even if its just for a little bit. I need a break. When did life get so difficult? Don't get me wrong I love where I am because if Izzy wasn't in my life I would still be VERY lost! She is one amazing little girl. I can't believe she will be 2 soon!!

I know I rambled alot but whatever. Hopefully I will be able to write more sometime soon! for now I have to go clean the house for my mother!

My Princess! Taken at school this month! :-)

And it continues......

Oh boy. Just when I was comfortable with the idea of having no connection to Izzy's paternal side of the family I get another slap in the face. Let me just say I never told any of them to leave. They all have left on their own free will. It has been a full year since I have heard from his mother. Until this past Saturday that is.... Just seems very odd that a week before we go to court she decides she wants back into our lives? I dont get it. Why should she be able to choose when she can come in and out of our lives. Well, the conversation didn't go so well. I tried to keep it calm and collected but its hard with this lady. Real hard. Not just because shes his mother but the way she treated us last year is hard to forget. This convo was literally almost the same one we had last year! Seriously? I am over the drama. I moved on. She called me selfish. Really? Was any decision I made in the past 2 years in anyway selfish? I guess it was selfish of me not to abort my baby? or was it selfish of me to move back in with my parents so we would have a roof over our heads even though thats the last place I would like to live? Was it selfish of me to take on a second job working overnights giving me NO sleep so I could afford to feed my child? I dont know what selfish choices I have made to make her say I was in anyway shape or form selfish! Ugh! that part really fired me up. She says this has nothing to do with her son. She claims he has done nothing wrong. It was all my fault and it was my choice to have this baby. Soooo shes saying I should have aborted my daughter HER grandchild. sigh..... its a lose lose situation with her just like it was with Izzy's "dad". I dont know what else I can do. I emailed her a few days ago saying a few things along the lines of that I would give her a second chance as long as she respects what i chose to do with my daughter and what not. Haven't heard a peep back yet tho. I am SO nervous about Friday! errr I dont know what to expect. I dont know if he will even show up but I can only assume he will. I dont think hes that dumb...I could be giving him too much credit though. We'll see.
         Thats about all thats going on so far. You know besides the lack of sleep and now I am sick, oh joy!  Work again tonight!

Freedom...for now.

I have some freedom for the time being. Izzy is napping in her crib. I honestly can't remember the last time she took a nap in her own crib without me. Ahhh I could get used to this. Crazy how she is 14.5 months old and I swear she hasnt slept in her crib for naps since she was a newbie.... I loved our snuggle time, mainly now because thats when i sleep due to work. I decided today to try it out again, she used to wake right up so thats why i haven't attempted in awhile, I pushed her nap back a bit since she woke up late. Don't let that fool you she didn't sleep good at all last night. Go figure. My night home and she decided she couldn't sleep alone. She takes awhile to adjust to this job I have.  I really wish I could afford to quit it. Seriously. I hate it. sigh....

Well, theres really nothing completely new to us lately. Which is fine I suppose. I don't know. I feel very exhausted lately. I may be finally reaching my breaking point with the lack of sleep. I could deal fine with her fighting her crib and what not if I had the chance to sleep most nights. You know instead of work. Babies aren't cheap! I need to win the lottery. I don't know how else I will get back completely on my own feet......one day....

April 1st is our court date. I am very nervous about it. For many reasons than just the fact of will I get anything out of him for her. I don't know how I will feel seeing him again. I haven't been face to face with him since eeerrr she was 5 months and that was an accidental run in....that did NOT go well. I can be civil I can be mature about this situation but there is still a big part of me that just wants to let him have it. I know I know it won't do anything. He won't understand. So I will go and keep my mouth shut like a good girl that I am. Thankfully my friend will watch peanut for me. I can't bring her anywho....

Next thing on my mind....school....I have been thinking about this alot lately. I really want to go back. I want to do something OTHER than retail/serving. That will have to wait till I can put her in school. Hopefully that will work out!

I wish I had more time to keep updating this. But this is all for now.

I felt like posting a picture from newbie days! This is Izzy going home from the Hospital...1 day old! ohhh so tiny! :)

Just a Ramble....

        What a month it has been. Lot of ups and downs, more downs then anything. I am still dealing with the death of my friend. Just attended his Celebration of Life on Sunday. Losing him finally sunk in then. He has been gone a month but it just sunk in this week and it hurts bad. His service was so nice! It made me re-think the traditional funeral service. I believe i would like that as well for myself. It really just bothers me that bad things happen to such amazing people!

        Change of subject before the tears come again. We have our court date set for child support. Finally so i can get this over with. There are many times i wish I never filed! I should have just struggled through like I have been doing. But thats not fair to her. She deserves more. So Im sucking it up and moving forward with this. I hope I am making the right choice. ::sigh::

         Well Izzy is amazing! She is just such a character lately. always making me laugh! She teething badly at the moment and sleep is well NOT there. Im exhausted! with not sleeping due to work and now thanks to teeth coming in im just at my limits lately. I wish i could take a vacation but I cant afford to :(

         Motherhood is such a challenge. A good one but nonetheless a challenge! I feel like i have aged like 20years by just having her. lol. She is just the best though. She makes life worth living! When i am at my lowest points(which lately has been ALOT) she just has a way to make me smile and remember how blessed I am to have her!

playtime at the park! :)

Just Another Day....

So I am sitting at my computer looking back on all of the pictures of my darling Izzy when she was born up until today. Ahh I can't believe how much she has changed and how far she has come! She amazes me everyday. Her new word is "fish" (we have 2 tanks full of fish!). She loves to come tickle you when you don't expect it. Shes climbing on EVERYTHING! She has the highest pitch scream I have ever heard. There is not one thing about her that I do not love more than anything in this world. 

I wish there was more that I could do for her. Like get us our own house. Give her the world. Keep her from any pain this world could ever throw at her. I am certain one day we will be on our own. I know it will be hard to keep her from pain. She already has to go through the pain of losing a father. Even if she never had him around, even if he wasn't the best choice of fathers. He was her father. She will be okay. I have to believe I am doing my best. She is my whole heart. What I don't understand is how some one could walk away from her. What did she do? I keep telling myself she had nothing to do with his immaturity in the matter. And I know she didn't. She deserves someone who will love her. One day...

Nothing else is really new with us... Same stuff everyday. I am so thankfull for this sweet little girl I have been blessed with. She has made life worth living.

My sweetie and me on Christmas Day 2010 :)

The Results Are In...

We finally got our results to the paternity test we had to have done..... And like I have told everyone... he is the father. Not a suprise to me but its a big relief that I can now move forward with everything including getting the child support. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders! Well thats the good news in my life...

The bad news... I lost a friend Thursday night. He was struck by a car and killed instantly. :( Lesson...Life is way too short! So Im going to try and talk to those I have lost touch with more often. I lost touch with him when I had Izzy. I have only seen him a few times in the past year :( I am still in shock!

On a lighter note....I love my daughter. She has been walking up a storm lately! In fact she got her first bump/bruise today :( She tripped on her basket of toys and landed face forward onto it. So sad! Tonight starts my shift at Walgreens. I am NOT thrilled about this! : /  Thats all I can think of tonight... I am trying to entertain her as I write this...haha

Izzy at her 1st Birthday Party! :) YUMMM